Kindness, or, What is a Radical Act?

[Reblogged from my post yesterday on milesstrenuus]

I read a great column today by Rachel Moss about the necessity of kindness as a human, a societal quality, in Britain post-Brexit, and the necessity of kindness in higher education. It reflects my own conclusions on life: we must be kind, at the very least. To be so requires cultivating, deliberately in my experience, certain qualities of character, mentality, emotion, and being that aren’t always apparent. Too often we commit the sin of Parzival, when he failed to inquire of his host the Fisher King what ailed him–he was so wrapped up in himself, that he had no thought for anyone else. Conversely, kindness can also sometimes consist in refraining from speaking or acting in certain ways.

What stood out as a bit of an odd note to me in the essay was how kindness was described as a “radical act” and that “our activism begins with an outstretched hand.” Why radical? Why does kindness have to be “activism”? (Out of curiosity, I googled “what is a radical act,” and the results were quite diverse.)

I’ve always seen kindness–caritas, charity–as a spiritual quality, a state of being, which transcends the particularizing labels “radical” or “activism,” because it does not answer to man or any particular cause, but only to that supreme spiritual power, energy, call it what you will, in which I still believe.  If caritas is radical or activism, it is so only in the context of the spiritual contest of good versus evil, which, at least according to my Catholic background, one does not particularize to an individual, because that is playing God with people’s hearts and minds. It is also, again to my mind, an intensely private thing–let not the left hand know what the right hand does, and so forth. To call kindness radical sui generis is to make it an explicitly public act, when, as I’ve told people, that’s between me and the good Lord. Why should one particularly care whether others disapprove of your action? (I’m aware of the counter-argument that Christianity itself was founded on such radical caritas, but there’s more to it than that.)

Of course, this is all well and good for “normal” times–what could be defined as when the public sphere, people’s personal beliefs, and political culture are in alignment. Whether or not individuals harbor hateful, harmful resentment against their neighbors, as long as the public sphere is policed in a humanistic manner and a nation’s political culture confines campaigns to issues and not ad hominems, kindness is not likely to be remarkable.

But when this alignment slips or worse spirals out of control, to be kind does become radical. I was just reading Dietrich Bonhoeffer’s The Cost of Discipleship yesterday, and Nazi Germany would be one extreme example where to show kindness could and in many cases did end up being a death sentence.

When I arrived in the UK the Saturday after the Brexit vote, everyone was rather shocked (or disgusted, or so disgusted they were over it). It took a few days for all the stories of racist and xenophobic incidents to accumulate, and the noteworthy thing was that the “leave” leadership didn’t speak out against them or condemn them. Like, at all (someone correct me if I’m wrong, but I was pretty well connected to the news during that entire time). It was a disturbing feeling to walk down the multi-cultural and multi-racial streets of London and think that there were likely people walking next to each other, one of whom really didn’t want the other there.

In that sense, Rachel Moss is right: with public order out of alignment, being kind to someone who doesn’t look white, Anglo-Saxon, and Protestant can be a radical act.

Or not, because the authorities have made clear that that kind of behavior will not be tolerated (and also the make-up of the “leave” voters has been caricatured, in my opinion, but that’s another topic). By practicing caritas toward others, you are in fact standing with, not against, civic leaders such as Mayor Sadiq Khan. Even Theresa May isn’t espousing xenophobic behavior, quite the opposite at the moment. So, against what norms does an act have to stand for it to be radical–societal, governmental, political, national? Or only against a nucleus of individuals in a given instance?

I’m of the opinion that not everything in life is activism, although it’s fashionable these days to say that everything is activism and one’s daily life choices cannot be separated from the public sphere. That’s a reductio ad absurdum: if everything is activism, then nothing is. I wouldn’t put kindness in that category, sui generis.

And I wonder what is lost when we transfer the validation of caritas to the public sphere. Kindness needs no justification beyond the transcendent religious or philosophical conviction that it is right, that it is universal, and that it is a matter of conscience. If that is to be a radical activist, then I fear for the state of the world.

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Happy New Year

It is always interesting to look at what one wrote a year ago, and see how much things have changed, or else how much of what you wrote then was borne out in the following weeks and months. So, I’ve been looking back on 2012 in light of my new year’s post for 2011…Yay, self-referentiality!

It feels somewhat strange to write about a year that, while stressful, was actually quite good. A hellish year, which some of my friends and acquaintance have had, can be reviewed with hope for the future, and a sense of survival and toughness, taking stock and counting each good moment that much dearer. A year of recovery, which is what 2011 was for me, breathes hope and buoyancy, as the warm sunshine beckons after the shadow. But a year when, on the whole, things went well…it’s difficult to write about without coming off sounding smug or boastful. Which I’m not, and try very hard not to be–no one except my handful of enemies would accuse me of that.

Actually, that’s a good jumping off point. Humility and humanity has been the overarching lessons to my life from college through part of grad school–the acceptance, and embrace, of the fact that we all have our own stories, struggles, and accomplishments, and that all are to be respected for that. You don’t stand above or outside the crowd, whatever you may feel in the pressure of the moment. Someone, somewhere, has had a similar, or more extreme, experience, than yourself. Be humble in any of your small successes, and humble in your pain and grief. To be otherwise is to separate yourself from the rest of humanity. That’s one lesson I’ve tried to learn over the years.

The next lesson, and one which is an ongoing struggle, is that of self-respect. I think it works hand-in-hand with humility, but is both an active and a passive quality. It is passive in that, when it works with humility, it allows you to listen to and accept criticism, and modify your ways accordingly. Preaching to others, but rarely listening to others or being self-critical in light of others, is an insidious character flaw, one whose harms you may never truly grasp. To adhere to your ways out of some misplaced belief that to change in the face of criticism is to lose dignity is, well, misguided.  Listening to others can often be the best path to self-improvement. On the other hand, I think self-respect is active in two ways: it demands  from you accountability, and discipline in that you should use your (I believe God-given) talents to their utmost. But it also is a critical leavening agent in that it requests respect from others. It should enable you to detect the difference between criticism that is meant in good faith, even when that criticism is couched in tough, and even hurtful, language, and that which is simply vicious, ad hominem, and arrogant, meant to stroke the ego of the critic, not lead to your self-improvement. Getting that balance between humility and self-respect is very hard…

But for me the great lesson of 2012 has been kindness. Charity, if you will. The other day my friend Audrey posted a quote attributed to the Buddha, “Life is so very difficult. How can we be anything but kind,” that really mirrored my feelings as 2012 came to an end. I think I began to have a similar realization when I wrote about Parzival’s Sin, back in May. “If you fail in charity,” I wrote then, “faith and hope haven’t much of a chance.”  I think that is my greatest lesson from 2012. We must be kind. If you acknowledge no other moral dictate or claim upon your life and actions, surely you would grant the claims of kindness. That is the measure of greatness of character. It comprehends humility and self-respect, in that it means when you gaze upon the world through your physical eyes, you do so with an emotional predisposition to be slow to judgment, to give the benefit of the doubt, to be aware of those who might need a helping hand.

Yes, that means some people are going to take advantage of you, to use you for their own ends. What of it? That will happen anyway; just keep them at an emotional distance, and carry on. Better, as Megan told me a month ago or so, to always err on the side of kindness. Having been on the receiving end of a lot of reprehensible behavior in the last few years, I know it can be extremely hard to err on that side. And having also failed in kindness, particularly late one autumn night a few years ago, I realize just how important it is to make that error of kindness. It doesn’t mean you are “wrong ” (whatever that means), or conceding the other’s points, but some things are better left unsaid. Because unkindness causes pain, and with pain departs any chance of your words being positive and helpful. And if there is no chance of that, then you should err on the side of kindness.

And in a real sense, whether you approach in a spiritual or secular frame of mind, to be that kindness means starting with yourself, and really thinking hard about who you are, what you are, and how you approach the world. Cue one of my new favorite songs:   So, as the church says, “here ends the first/second/third lesson.”

Thus transitioning a bit to “update” material: Yes, Colbie continues to be my favorite contemporary vocalist. And Jason Mraz’s “I Won’t Give Up” is another of my favorite songs.

Fitness has suffered a bit, what with a brutal fall schedule and sampling of colds, likely caught from my students.  On the other hand, good friends continue to get better with age; and on New Years’ Eve I was surprised by a video call from some of my closest friends, who just wanted to hang out a bit, catch up, and celebrate the coming of the new year with their quirky, goofy, absent friend (at least, that’s how I *might* describe myself??). Good friends are good.

And good future family is excellent. To be welcomed so warmly into such a wonderful home by all my future in-laws was such a wonderful experience over the holidays.

This coming year, well, there’s a lot happening: dissertations are on the cusp of being finished, articles published. If I can stay disciplined, who knows, maybe that elusive black belt may come within view by the end of the year.

And most importantly, a wedding will be happening, and then creating a new home together.

In last year’s post, I wrote that “I will still make mistakes, suffer temptations and distractions, but the important things are faith and humility, to not believe you have the answers to everything, to doubt and criticize yourself, and to enjoy life in ways that keep you strong and help other people. Here’s hoping 2012 is that kind of year.”  I think it has been.

If 2012 was good year, then, God willing, 2013 will be a great one.  Fides, Spes, et Caritas.

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